Motorcycle tools

tommymac · 02-02-2010, 08:47 AM

Stole this off the buell site. Def some funny stuff

BIKE MECHANICS TOOL GUIDE

Tools you need & their uses.

HYDRAULIC BIKE JACK/PLATFORM - ingeniously designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the garage.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.
WIRE WHEEL/GRINDER - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingertips and hard-earned guitar calluses.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands that smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly
- painted part carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
VICE-GRIPS - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or drilling holes in a floor of a car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE - used to open and slice quickly and deeply through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.
HAMMER - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER - A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from the battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
HACKSAW - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
AVIATION SNIPS SEE above
AIR COMPRESSOR - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago and rounds them off.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
TIMING LIGHT - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
OXYCETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part

wildchild · 02-02-2010, 09:06 AM

man over the years so many of those have been proven time and again. LOL

OneSickPsycho · 02-02-2010, 09:07 AM

Some of those are hilarious... and very true... Unfortunately whoever made it got a little lazy through the end.

BobTheBiker · 02-02-2010, 09:26 AM

I think I can attest to like 99% of those personally. except for the impact gun one. for me instead of rounding bolt heads, it simply shears them off.

tommymac · 02-02-2010, 09:32 AM

I bet there are some we could add as well.

t-homo · 02-02-2010, 09:39 AM

Damn, my grandpa went blind in 1 eye when I tiny bit shot out of the drill press and into his eye. That was like back in the 70s though.

OneSickPsycho · 02-02-2010, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by t-homo

Damn, my grandpa went blind in 1 eye when I tiny bit shot out of the drill press and into his eye. That was like back in the 70s though.

My grandfather cut off his left index finger on a table saw. The 70's were a tough time for grandpa's apparently.

Porkchop · 02-02-2010, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OneSickPsycho

My grandfather cut off his left index finger on a table saw. The 70's were a tough time for grandpa's apparently.

My grandfather had a nail from someone elses nail gun ricochet and clip him in the eye. It was also the 70's.

CrazyKell · 02-02-2010, 10:38 AM

I stopped reading after "tools you need" then realized it was funny and went back.

I'm not just bad with mechanical aptitude....I'm ridiculously bad.

I'm working on it.

tommymac · 02-02-2010, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrazyKell

I stopped reading after "tools you need" then realized it was funny and went back.

I'm not just bad with mechanical aptitude....I'm ridiculously bad.

I'm working on it.

You do not posess a Y chromasome so you will never be good at it

02-02-2010, 08:47 AM	#1
tommymac Moto GP Star Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 11,022	Motorcycle tools Stole this off the buell site. Def some funny stuff BIKE MECHANICS TOOL GUIDE Tools you need & their uses. HYDRAULIC BIKE JACK/PLATFORM - ingeniously designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the garage. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike. WIRE WHEEL/GRINDER - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingertips and hard-earned guitar calluses. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands that smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly - painted part carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. VICE-GRIPS - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or drilling holes in a floor of a car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. MECHANIC'S KNIFE - used to open and slice quickly and deeply through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers. HAMMER - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER - A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from the battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. HACKSAW - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. AVIATION SNIPS SEE above AIR COMPRESSOR - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago and rounds them off. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. TIMING LIGHT - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. OXYCETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part

02-02-2010, 09:06 AM	#2
wildchild cruiser Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: on the run Moto: '09 HD superglide, 16 Yamaha FZ 09 Posts: 2,749	man over the years so many of those have been proven time and again. LOL

02-02-2010, 09:07 AM	#3
OneSickPsycho Ride Like an Asshole Join Date: Feb 2008 Moto: nothing... Posts: 11,254	Some of those are hilarious... and very true... Unfortunately whoever made it got a little lazy through the end.

02-02-2010, 09:26 AM	#4
BobTheBiker too much time on my hands Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: the northern district of god damn Moto: 01 ZX6R, looking for more now. Posts: 1,802	I think I can attest to like 99% of those personally. except for the impact gun one. for me instead of rounding bolt heads, it simply shears them off.

02-02-2010, 09:32 AM	#5
tommymac Moto GP Star Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 11,022	I bet there are some we could add as well.

02-02-2010, 09:39 AM	#6
t-homo WSB Champion Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Springfield, MO Posts: 7,146	Damn, my grandpa went blind in 1 eye when I tiny bit shot out of the drill press and into his eye. That was like back in the 70s though.

02-02-2010, 10:38 AM	#9
CrazyKell Vrooom Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: 06 ZX6R Posts: 4,427	I stopped reading after "tools you need" then realized it was funny and went back. I'm not just bad with mechanical aptitude....I'm ridiculously bad. I'm working on it.