AMJ collection, volume 2

[LittleTaz]

The Swedish Book of the Dead

Am I referring to a long lost scroll of names written of the skins of petrified ludefisk?

No.

I am referring to the new 2008 Ikea catalog, a copy of which, my wife is clutching like a newborn child with no feet.

We visited an Ikea today, because I was stupid enough to mention that I needed a new desk lamp. "Well, lets just pop into Ikea, since we're passing by it today anyway" she said.

Like a complete fucking idiot, I said ok.

First off, If you have never been to an Ikea, you should know that they are designed and built like very complicated rat traps. The place is a goddamned maze, designed to drive you insane while emptying your wallet. They have maps of the store on large posters, that resemble dance instructions, only instead of feet with numbers on them, they have little dots the meander around a bunch of Swedish crap, that only serve to lead you to more Swedish crap.

Second, the place is a fucking umlaut fest. Umlauts, are those little dots you see over the vowels in Swedish words, that enable you to make almost normal words unpronounceable. Interestingly enough, the word "Umlaut" has no umlauts in it. A desk lamp? Oh no sir, you need an Oblerhubenisk, or perhaps an Ufderlgte would be more to your liking. Fuck me. I just want to leave, but I can't because...

Third- Ikeas only go in one direction. Try to turn around and you are screwed. The escalator only goes towards the Swedish crap when you come in. If you want to go down, you must complete the entire maze.

We've been there for about an hour, and I haven't even seen a fucking desk lamp. I have seen a new set of dishes, a comforter cover, a headboard/storage/night table unit (that I will have to assemble tomorrow), some little Swedish candles that ward off evil spirits, and a whole bunch of other shit I didn't think we needed, but now own.

Finally, I find a desk lamp (The Forsa in black, if you must know), and we make our way to the check out after picking up a 15 pack of meatballs while in line.

The clerk asked me if I found everything ok.

I said, "No, there's one thing I couldn't locate."

"What's that?"

"The t-shirts that say, All I wanted was a fucking desk lamp."

JC